Avoiding Despair 

Mirrors. One-way mirrors.  Two-way mirrors.  House of mirrors.  Mirrors are interesting tools that enable us to see things we would not otherwise be able to.  They are aids that help us to see the cars behind us and to our sides without taking our eyes off the road for more than a second.  Mirrors are also windows through which we can gain a better view of ourselves.  Two mirrors placed across from each other will exchange their reflections forever. 

Mirrors are a part of our everyday lives.  I usually look in the mirror first thing in the morning, never really thinking about what I am doing or seeing. Maybe I’ll stand back a foot or two and happen to glance up to check out the bags or the wrinkles or the lines under my eyes.  I don’t especially like what I see first thing in the morning – but it’s all I have.  I lean in closer for detail work.  Plucking my eyebrows, putting on mascara, seeing if I can smooth over those dark circles with as little concealer as possible.   

Now there’s an interesting word  - concealer.  You really are trying to conceal something, aren’t you?  Hadn’t really thought of it that way before. 

Excuse me? Anyway, as I was saying, the phrase above came to me the other day.  “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear“.  

That reminds me of the scene in “Jurassic Park”, you know the one . . . 

Who are you and why are you doing butting into my thoughts?! 

 I’m your reflection – that “significant other” that you encounter but largely ignore every morning?  Anyway, as I was saying, the scene where our protagonists are desperately trying to escape from the Tyrannosaurus Rex.  The jeep is clipping along but so is their buddy – “T.”  It is then that the camera zooms in on the side mirror to remind our hapless victims that the big guy is not only closer than he appears but meaner, angrier and probably hungrier as well!  

You, my reflection?  Whoa!  So I guess you probably know quite a bit about what I’m referring to. Yeah, I’ve always liked that scene myself.  About that phrase, about mirrors and objects, can I learn anything from this sign on my side mirror?  

 Sure, because it really is a sign, you know!   

You think so?  Well, maybe if I changed that phrase, that sign, if you will, a bit.  What do you think about “When I look at myself in the mirror, what I am seeing that really is closer to me at that time than as it appears to others?” 

If that were written on your side mirror, I think you would take out every mailbox in the neighborhood! 

Funny.   

Well, isn’t it referring to some physical feature?  Your nose looks awfully large to me up close.  Yet, I certainly hope it doesn’t appear that way to others.   

Perhaps, but I think there is something more here.  If it’s not referring to a physical characteristic, than what? Social? Emotional? Mental? Spiritual? Or all of the above? What exactly do I see when I look at my reflection?   

More often than not, it’s your flaws and your weaknesses that I see.  But then that means my flaws and my weaknesses too, doesn’t it. Is that what it’s talking about?  

I think so.  In fact, isn’t it a truth, when someone sees something he or she doesn’t like, a pimple, a scar, yet another wrinkle, there’s the tendency to actually lean closer into the mirror?  What are we tying to do?  Blow up the whole picture to make us feel really bad? Or maybe to erase all doubt that the “thing” the object, is really there after all.  And what, then, have we accomplished by that action?   

Well, you’ve probably dropped yourself down a few notches on the old Self-Esteem scale.  And that’s good?! I guess I’ve never considered that. 

Well, no it’s not good.  

Then why in the world do you do it? 

If I knew that– I’d be the one in the mansion watching someone else struggle through this process!  So maybe the word we’re skipping over here is appear.  Or maybe we need to add a word or two to our self-defining phrase.  Objects (or flaws or pimples or doubts or fears) are only closer when we look at them in a mirror. Others never look at us as critically as we do.  We can be so hard on ourselves.  I suppose that it’s human nature to compare ourselves at our worst with everyone else at their best.   

Well everybody does it!  

Well, you’re right, even though, you’re sounding like quite the teenager.   All of us, whether we acknowledge it or not, make ourselves the victim by simple comparison.  It’s the old bell curve come swinging back and hitting us broadside.  There are only so many _____________ (fill in the blank - A’s, beautiful people, talented people, secure people; you get the picture) to go around.  And hey, if you didn’t make the cut – well, that’s just too bad.  That’s life.   

That’s not fair!  

Once again, the teenager scores!  You’re right –It’s not fair because it’s not correct because we’re doing it all to ourselves.  That bell curve went out of fashion a long time ago.  When are we going to get with the times! 

So, what you’re saying is that even though the flaws are there – you shouldn’t let them bother you?   

Well, yeah, sort of.  Aw, come on!  You’re working on the poor pitiful me thing again!   

Okay, let’s see: If you . . . if we stare at each other in the mirror every morning, see every fault, rut, or pothole – we’re just supposed to let it run off our backs and not let it ruin our day?  MUCH easier said than done.  Naw, there’s got to be an easier way. 

Okay, back to the drawing board.   Yes, the imperfections are there.  Is it all right to conceal them?  Well, in a way . . .  

Hey, did you know that stage makeup is referred to as “pancake” makeup?  Now there’s an image for you.  That’s going to look really inconspicuous!  

Now seriously . . . 

Isn’t that what we’ve tried to be all along?  

 . . . there is something we can do. If we just try to cover up those flaws and hope they go away – they probably won’t.  What’s the solution then?  Get rid of that attitude, that behavior, that habit that is hampering our progress as well as our relationships with others.  

 Amen, to that sister!   

But we have to admit to ourselves that it’s a whole lot easier to open up the tube of concealer, to take another swig of the brown paper wrapped bottle or move from one bad relationship to another.  This not only conceals the problem but also masks who really owns the problem in the first place.  All that concealing is only taking emotional detours from addressing the one thing, or person, that what we really need to – that face in the mirror – YOU! 

Hmm, face to face conversations; hand to hand combat; shoulder to shoulder work projects; eye to eye interrogations; a little tete a tete - is that what you mean?   

You got it. It’s time for a conference to try to figure out what’s going on here. 

Okay, we need a plan and we need it fast.  Nothing too haphazard, but something that will go right to the root of the problem.  A kind of emotional Roundup.  Stop hacking at the branches when what we really need to do is root it out.  You and me both can see what we need to do.  We just need to buck up, pull up the old bootstraps, get on the horse and stay in the ring.  Sounds like a Roundup if I ever heard of one! 

Together, you and I can learn a lot, but maybe others can help us out too.  Have you ever had a friend or even a perfect stranger call attention to some flaw – telling you something that no one else would dare for fear of offending you?   

Aren’t strangers great – they can be so cruel and insensitive and so right on the mark! 

Like the man whose house I walked past.  He stopped raking (or watering or mowing, whatever it was) and turned to me and said – “Why do you look so grumpy – things can’t be all that bad!”  Was I scowling, was I frowning?  I hadn’t felt grumpy at all lately. 

I remember that guy!  What a jerk! 

That’s what I thought too. So, when I arrived home, I looked in the mirror and sure enough he’s absolutely correct. Right there, in the middle of my forehead. All the while when I’ve been trying to sculpt those eyebrows into perfection (okay, so I missed a few hairs!) I’ve been totally unaware of those two well-furrowed brows between my eyes.   

As long and deep as the Suez Canal. That’s what he was talking about! 

Yep.  So, after a few practice sessions, I found that if I gently lift those sculpted brows that the furrowed ones disappear!  I just needed to look a bit more closely. 

I’m listening . . .  

Strangers and caring friends may tell us what we need to hear, and we probably would do well to listen to them.  But somehow, I think you and I both would much rather figure out some of these things for ourselves.  So, starting tomorrow, let’s all raise our eyes from that morning sink and stare deeply into those orbs in front of us.  Let’s find out what are they, what are we, what are you trying to say?   

Sounds like a plan that just might have some merit. 

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear so we need to spot them and catch them first.  Like the T-Rex barreling down on us, we’re likely to be run over and look like yesterday’s lunchmeat unless we can stop this thing before it even escapes.  Remember, it was the greedy guy, the one trying to steal what wasn’t his, the guy who was trying to illegally and unethically get ahead that caused all the problems on the Big Screen.  We can equally sabotage our own emotional, mental and spiritual safety if we, too, become distracted and react with wrong and inappropriate motives. 

So, instead of reacting, we need to act, right?  Hmm. . .  “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”.  Hey, if you read it as an anagram (OIMACTTA), you get, “O, I’m a Actta!”  (Brooklyn accent, please!)  Say it!  Yell it!  Play the part – you are your own actor in your own play. You’re the writer, the producer, the director and the promoter.  Whatever you decide you want to be – that’s what you’ll be.  Make up your mind today – no more victims, no more martyrs, no more manipulation of others or ourselves.  It’s all up to us.  Don’t just conceal the flaws – deal with them – write them out of the next scene – “Exit stage right!”  It’s all up to you and me. No more bell curves, no more comparisons – only resolve. 

Now we’re talking!  We make quite the team, don’t we?  But I think we do need to remember, that the next time we’re driving down the freeway and check the right side mirror, those objects really are closer than they appear and are not within our control.  We need to yield to them, give them space and live to arrive home safely.  And as we address and greet those objects in our own mirror (especially the seemingly objectionable ones), we’ll arrive at a safer, more secure and unified self.   

And what could be better than that?